Thoughts and feelings

Thoughts and feelings!

Cancer a word we all don’t want to be told that we have!

But shit for luck some of us have it, like myself! 

I don’t know what else really to say but fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

It has been 2 months since my 2nd diagnosis of cervical cancer and the second time was a lot 

harder than 1st!

What can i say to make it better! You are definitely not alone!!! So say a big huge FUCK!!! Take a deep breath and keep saying, throw your arms around, scream and cry whatever it takes to release that heavy heart burden. Don’t let it eat you from the inside out! 

All i can say is the drugs really help, like I keep going on about i know, i know i will shut up about it one day,

But something really got to me today and I even had to stand up and walk away to hide for a min,I look no one in the eyes as i hurt me so badly! I went to have my port fitted today and I was very tired and sore so everyone in my family has been just perfect and cleaning the house making tea while i sleep and rest in bed. So were all down stairs eating tea and everyone is so quiet and the kids are as good as gold, my kids good as gold at tea time??!! Never!! It’s always loud and messy and full of laughter but not today, my beautiful Mia and George keep having little looks at me, then just looking straight back at there plates, just eating their food quite as mouse!

And I don’t know why but it broke my heart so bad, i walk up stairs have a sip of water and wipe my tears, look at myself and tell my self to get back down there and just start smiling and laughing or talking anything to distract my kids! So I went down stairs with a smile on my face and they both spotted my bandages across my neck and chest!! And that was it a big conversation about what happened today, my children really are so strong and amazing, but don’t worry i told them mummy didn’t cry! I did a strong impression with my arms! (so they know mummy is tough stuff) And that conversation made everyone feel a bit better and at ease!!! Of course my mum and mike are worried the kids touching my port, but they know they can’t and are handling everything like a bunch of superheroes, every single one of them…

I really do believe communication is the way forward it gets you through everything. Even the really fucked up things!!!

So if you ever feel bad? walk off have a cry look at yourself and tell yourself you can do this, and guess what you will! I believe in you! And most importantly, believe in yourself!

Lv Max & the unknown 

xox

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