The “madness”


Got admitted to the hospital for a few days and night the other day due to sickness, but when i mean sickness i mean i was acting like emily rose exorcism style, voice changing, puking non stop and of course my head spinned all the way round!! 

So finally arrived at the hospital got my lovely IV done i love my IV make you feel so much better so quickly, get discharged…





Phone up hotline “please come back in!”so off I go with my wonderful Dave taking me, forgot my headphones so poor dave had to go back for them as I literally can not sleep without them, as hospital for cancer patients is a little different the madness doesn’t stop and it can go off at any point, so if you want a good night sleep I recommend placing headphones on a listening to david attenborough voice rather than all the beeping of the machines.

So morning arrives and what a busy day i have and i mean very very busy day everyone in the hospital wants to speak to me, they finally find my drugs that work hip hip hooray! So 1st doctors who are amazing and telling me what my plan is with the meds and what support they are going to do and I have to come back around the 16th to have a chat with them to see if meds are good and working because i’ve been prescribed an actual antipsychotic medication that helps with tics, sickness and mood it’s called haloperidol but really helps my hands and movement so able to type normal again and not be tapping random buttons, just makes my body movements not a jittery.

Then i had my physio come and he looked just like that henry cavill the look was so close, so anyway he was a lovely guy called Mark who was here to help supoort me and my mobility as im on alot of medication and of cause im fucking sick so im like a jelly woman atm, im wobbling all over the place, so anyway mark wanted to see how i walk, he made me walk to end of the ward and back but obvsially supporting me and he told me i need a walking stick as it woukd really help so off he dissapeared and came back after lunch with this silver stick and was like come on lets give this a go, so i had to then walk up and down the ward with this stick, (yes all the other patients were highly amused) but i think they were just enjoying the company of the cavill look alike to be honest, but anyways again this stick was fantastic it really helped support my balance and has made me feel so much safer getting about! So mark then wanted to take me to the gym in the christie and i was like that’s fine but the nurses were not happy and all came running over and asking who he was and what his purpose was, they were like we don’t recognize his coat!!! So i was like omg who is he then? They were thinking some stranger was trying to wheel me out of The Christie, but all was ok they then realised he was legit and let me go on my adventure to the gym, he put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me off and got me walking up some stairs, he showed me how to walk up and down the stairs safely which was useful to know and that to walk up it sideways rather than going straight up! He thought I managed the stairs well and didn’t need an extra hand rail at home! So got wheeled back to my bed in the ward and I decided to call my walking stick “Mark” after him, he seemed sorta amused by this, so anyway the minute I get back to my bed the head doctor is there ‘psychologist’ a lovely chap again, he reminded me of a writer or an actor, i still can’t put my finger on it who he looked like. But never mind he was there to help my mental state, so I told him about my perfect but miserable life that i have, but unfortunately I’m not crazy and im mangering quite well with my diagnosis, he explained a few things to me and sat there and actually listened to me he was a breath of fresh air! And he gave good advice and was real about the situation and that it was basically ‘just shit!’ but what im doing to keep myself busy is basically what’s keeping my sane through all of this bastard cancer, the blog and doing awareness is a good thing for me mentally and there are lots of groups i can go join, if I feel I need to talk about things, but im loving doing my blog as this gets me talking to alot of people and I get to actually express myself as i find it so much easier on here than face to face so thank you everyone who reads and comments on my blog you are my mental saviour!! 

The the wife jess arrived to my rescue!

Then i had my pain team come down who I love, they are the happiest people I know bouncing around and helping me, poor jess was next to me and meeting all the “madness” i as I call it, I think she was sort of laughing and sort bewildered about how many people I have to talk to!

So jess and I are waiting for my discharge and were looking up wheelchairs, then all my family and friends can take me out as I can’t walk very far as i’m getting weaker, but as we are looking up wheelchairs on amazon we look through the list and there is just this big huge dildo right in the middle of the page of all wheelchairs, i wrote wheelchair in the search blog not “something to ride” so jess and erupt with laughter not able to get a grip whatsoever, like how inappropriate is that! some who has cervical cancer looking up wheelchairs for mobility and gets a huge dildo that would probably put me back in hospital and in a wheelchair for life! But hey i don’t mind i find it odd and amusing! It definitely cheered us two up, so then the nurse comes along we shut the laptop and get on with my discharge, I start acting like a baby as its time to get my port disconnected which i hate having done as its painful only for a second but my port is so swollen and sore I don’t want anyone touching it! So im swining my legs been a big baby and then lovely nurse pulls it out it starts bleeding and i feel sick, panicky, and just want to get home feeling…

So we get home I say hi to everyone and big kisses and then i actually just pass out asleep,Jess and Mike stay by my side and they have food and watch a zombie movie while checking on me and then its next morning and i’m actually quite fresh and ready to go with my new walking stick Mark, i get up help get kids ready for school Mike and my mum take them to school as were running late and i have the day then to myself to do whatever I want, then I have one of my amazing best friends tracy come round and sit with me all day with baby Ethan, we have a lovely day doing my memory scrapbooks and making “get out anything cancer cards” for family and friends to use! (just a dark joke) i have plenty of cuddles with my best mate Ethan to make me feel better, we have a toasties from next door and before we know it it’s time to pick up the kids from school, so Tracy, mum and myself all walk down, I’m testing out my new stick and kids are waiting for us at reception and there lovely support worker is reading them all a book, the school is just amazing, they are helping me out so much, so I don’t have to walk through the really busy playground and get knocked about i can literally just get the kids from the front and walk home quicker.The kids look at Mark the stick and tell Isla (kids best friend) “mummy has jelly legs”, the best way I can explain why I have Mark! Everyone is supporting myself and family so much, im am so grateful and lucky to have all these wonderful people in my life, i’ve just got to keep fighting for them, every moment is so so precious. I will not give up, I will keep on going, I am determined to see them finish primary school, i’m just praying for this treatment to give me them years! But i won’t find anything out until my next scan which is so frustrating and so far away, but it is what it is, so I’m just going to have to deal with it, keep myself busy and make everyday special. As for the next day we have a baking day planned with the  kids after school so we are very much looking forward to that.

Tip take everyday as it comes, don’t put so much pressure on yourself!

Enjoy the little things like putting your little girls hair up for school, wiping the jam off your cheeky little boys cheeks, kiss and cuddle your fine man, tell your mum you love her and do that phone call, let your dad help you as that’s all people want to do is help each other… more kindness is the world and it would be a better place. 

Lv Max & the Unknown.


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