Drug addiction

Never ever in a million years did I thought I would become dependent on morphine based/morphine and pregablin. Addiction is the worst. I’ve just tried to come off my morphine, tramadol and pregabalin I’ve done it by the book slowly! Oh the pain I’m in the sweats I’m having it shit, all I can do is stay in bed. But what’s the actual point of me coming off them. Just to suffer. It’s not like I’m going to get to old age I don’t have to be too careful. Why suffer it’s not like I can’t live a normal life on the drugs. I just can’t do them withdrawals anymore, they are hell. I’m fucking battling all the time. If it’s not cancer, mental health, it’s withdrawal. I hate it! I wonder what’s it’s like to be a clean perfect person who jumps up on there shiny white horse and rides off into the sunset. Like ffs taking pain relief doesn’t make me a bad person I have fucking cancer. But why why does it play on me mentally. Keep telling my self I’m a bad person for needing it. Why do we always want to suffer. Why do I? I’ve always punished myself since a child. Yes self abuse in all sorts of ways to starving myself to cutting, maybe I’m just a lost sole. Well I used to be before I found happiness, and I am happy, thanks to my children and Mike. Otherwise if it wasn’t for them it frightens me to think of where or not where I would be. I no I seem really low atm, but to be honest I really fucking am I can’t stop crying. I can’t blow away this dark cloud ☁️ I known it’ll pass they always do. I keep it so hidden tho maybe that’s what’s up. I’m scared of showing everyone how bad I can be. Amazing how you can keep a clean house (sorta) and food on the table three times a day feeling like a dark little troll from hell! 👹 maybe I should stop crying at 2am in the morning and do it at the dinner table, might get me out of cooking tea. But no. That’s something us mothers won’t do. We want our children to see us strong and happy. Especially if we get told we have years to live! We wanna make sure them last years are lovely. I’m sure I’ll shake this depression off soon. It’s like a bug I feel like I’ve caught it, I’ve literally not felt this bad for a long long time. But doctors won’t give me therapy as I’m actually doing everything to keep my self fucking positive almost forgot I will be going for CBT! I just get sent to a cancer care centre where I just end up looking after really sweet old people. Maybe I should just go back there at least they give me cookies and wine. Yes old people drop there meds in the day with a glass of wine they totally rule. I’ve talked my self back into going. At least it gets me away for the day and I get a foot massage to. (Not off the pill popping wine gosling full of wisdom older people) now I’m just watching loads of thrillers on tv they the only things I like to watch before I have to go brace the Christie tomoz which I’m seriously not in the mood for. I’m in no mood for anything 😂 except wine 🍷

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